Avoiding Avoidance: The Art of Healthy Conflict

Understanding Conflict Avoidance: It’s More Than Just Keeping the Peace

For some of us, steering clear of conflict is almost second nature. It’s like we’ve been programmed to avoid it at all costs. This isn’t because we’re naturally peace-loving to a fault; rather, it’s often a habit developed early on when conflict felt unsafe or led to love and approval being withdrawn. Imagine a little seedling growing under a dense canopy—it bends and twists to reach the sunlight, right? Similarly, we learned to bend our needs and silence our voices to reach for safety, stability, and affection.

Why Did We Start Dodging Disagreements?

As kids, if we lived in households where raising our voice or disagreeing was met with cold shoulders or worse, we learned to zip it. Keeping quiet became our invisibility cloak. It made life at home less scary and more predictable. We learned to equate peacekeeping with love and safety. It was our way of keeping the boat from rocking too much, even if it meant ignoring the leak in the hull.

The Flip Side of Avoiding Conflict

This strategy, while genius in its own right for getting us through rough waters, comes with its own set of challenges. Imagine planting all our needs and wants in a box and burying it. Eventually, we forget where it’s buried, and even though everything looks neat and tidy, we feel empty and a bit lost. Relationships might seem smooth on the surface, but underneath, there’s a whole world of unspoken words and unmet needs. And personally, it can feel like we’re always the background character in our own story, rarely grabbing the mic to speak our lines.

Shifting Gears: Learning to Embrace Healthy Conflicts

The beauty of realizing why we’ve been dodging conflicts is that it’s the first step toward change. It’s like finding the map to where we’ve buried our box of needs and wants. So, how do we start digging?

  • A Little Self-Love Goes a Long Way: Let’s be gentle with ourselves. Realizing that avoiding conflict was once our shield can help us be kinder to ourselves as we learn new ways of interacting.

  • Finding the Right Crew: Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or understanding friends, having a supportive team can make all the difference. They’re like the gardeners who help us water the new seeds we’re planting.

  • Sprucing Up Our Communication Toolbox: Picking up new communication tools can be empowering. It’s about learning to express our needs in a way that feels authentic and assertive, without the fear of setting off alarm bells.

  • Practicing, Practicing, Practicing: Like any new skill, getting comfy with conflict takes practice. It’s about taking small steps, one conversation at a time, and giving ourselves a pat on the back for trying, regardless of the outcome.

Understanding conflict avoidance as a response to our past experiences is like turning on a light in a room we’ve kept dark for too long. It’s cozy in its familiarity but dazzling in its potential for growth. As we learn to navigate conflicts with grace and assertiveness, we open the door to deeper, more authentic connections with others and, most importantly, with ourselves. So let's work on becoming fully seen and heard, in all our awkwardness and messiness.